** The following post contains content that discusses death, loss, illness, and spoilers for Final Fantasy X **
I was playing through Final Fantasy X HD remaster on my Switch for the first time when I realized this year will mark the 20th anniversary of Final Fantasy X’s release in the U.S. It was July 19th 2001 when Final Fantasy X was released in Japan for the Playstation 2, only a few months later in December would it release in the U.S. I was 9 at the time, and boy was 2001 a memorable year. George W. Bush began his first term as president, the world trade center fell, the U.S. decided to produce Gulf War 2: The Quest for More Money over in two little known countries called Iraq and Afghanistan. To top all that off my Dad’s CADASIL was taking a turn for the worse. What is CADASIL? I certainly didn’t know when I was 9, but to summarize it has similar symptoms to Alzheimer’s but affects people at much younger ages; for more detail you might want to check with some medical experts, not the guy online reviewing 20 year old Japanese roleplaying video games. Needless to say even at 9 I was up for a little escapism, and boy was Final Fantasy X a virtual comfort when I needed it most.
I got the majority of my exposure to Final Fantasy X indirectly through watching my childhood friend Austin and his older brother Jake play through the game. Glimpses of a colorful fantastical world, with a cast of distinct characters, and an interesting mythos. I was hooked, even if I wasn’t catching the finer details of the plot I adored the universe and used my imagination to fill in blanks where I could. When Austin or his brother would graciously allow me to play I recall not being very good. I would rely on instructions from others, particularly for more challenging encounters. For all intents and purposes, I wasn’t playing the game, I was just holding the controller. At the time, however, I was far more invested in the story and the characters than the moment by moment gampeplay. While I enjoyed the entire main cast, particularly Yuna, Auron, and Khimari, the character I most related to was Tidus which shouldn’t be all that surprising to those familiar with me and the game. First, Tidus was partially developed to target the younger male demographic as a character they would relate to, second, daddy issues. For those who are unfamiliar the game’s big bad, Sin, turns out to be a man named Jecht, the father of protagonist Tidus. Entombed in an unholy armour, Jecht, now Sin, has become a rampaging monster who only occasionally grasps moments of his former sentience. Looking back, I can see why this story had such an impact on my 9 year old self.
My father, who was a strong, intelligence, vivacious man, was being slowly robbed of his faculties by CADASIL. He would experience memory lapses, which would lead to frustration and depression and eventually degraded into anger. He became more volatile, and I started to become afraid. While he never physically harmed my mother, my sister, or myself his desperate rage fueled by confusion and depression was too much for my nine year old self to handle. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening to my father. It pains me to admit that there where times when I felt just like Tidus, I hated my father. I hated how he shouted, how much pain he was causing my family, and his friends. But just like that fictional creature Sin would have moments of calm, I remember how my father would sometimes be himself again; brief moments when the man would shine through the monster. I can say now with the benefit of 20 years wisdom that I did not hate my father, I hated the monster in my father’s skin.
Unlike Tidus, I didn’t get any final goodbyes, any ultimate confrontation. I was never able to share with my father all the fear, anger, sadness, and love I felt for him. I was never able to beat CADASIL in a fantastical confrontation, as the heroes of my beloved video game overcame the ultimate villain of their story. Still, I am grateful for the comfort that Final Fantasy X provided me as a child, as it does now. My experience with Final Fantasy X proved to me at an early age that video games are not just trivial toys, but powerful works of art that can touch people in deeply personal ways, and leave lifelong impressions. Maybe that’s why despite the fact I’m 29 this year, I still cry every time I hear the game’s musical theme “To Zanarkand”. My father never heard that song, but to me it will always be his requiem.